Tribulations of the March from the Inside
By Kenneth [last name anonymized]
My first Study and Struggle group consisted of twelve men. Of the multiracial group, seven were Black, three white (me included), and two Mexican. Since then, the group has fluctuated from numbers as high as 37 to as low as 15, due to outside influences, pressure from gangs, fear, and even transfers.
When I first started the group we were all very nervous, differing in many ways other than race. Some of the guys were intellectual, others could hardly read or write, but most notable were the many differences of opinion. In my eyes, this was the perfect group with every opportunity to build a foundation. We were all imperfect, but together we would become something special.
My first task as group leader was to keep conversations peaceful and on topic, knowing when to listen and when to speak, when and where to guide the conversation(s) to, and most importantly, showing respect to your fellow man despite the differences of opinion. I began by speaking on ‘uncomfortable’ topics such as race and sexuality. I led by example, encouraging guys to speak out, to vent if necessary. As they began to speak (seeing that the environment was judgment-free and safe), momentum began to build and the group began to speak and come together. It was a beautiful sight to see, people with so many differences coming together, smiling, laughing, understanding one another, so patient, and at times so very serious and passionate.
I could almost compare it to a room full of lawmakers, so many different people coming together for a single cause, a single purpose. Laugh if you will, but it’s true. I could feel the pride flowing through me at this point and I knew I was in the right place with our group. This is where I belonged, with our group. My group is my family and I would want to be with these guys no matter where we are on earth.
Don’t get me wrong, there were many times when the group was challenged with violence (such as fights) and called fakes, fa**ots, and phonies. We were even called to the warden’s office one at a time and questioned thoroughly. We were asked if we were being influenced from the outside to join a terrorist cell, were we being taught how to write in ‘code,’ do we love America, etc. It took some convincing, but once the warden realized we were no terrorist group, he let us go back to our zones. However, the damage was done. Guys in the group were scared and wanted no trouble.
All of this blew my mind. My group was panicking and assuming the worst things, such as physical abuse from the guards. I had to act quickly or I was going to lose the entire group. I had to say something. It took every bit of strength inside me to find all of the right words. I just said what was on my heart. I said: “Don’t you understand that this is what standing up for what is right is about? Here it is. This is repression live and in person. You’re living it right now. And it takes a lot of courage.” Then I asked them, “How does it make you feel?” I finished by telling my group that this is why we do this, so that one day we won’t have to feel like this anymore.”
As a group, we meet twice a week. Individually we hang out every day to show unity, strength, and togetherness despite our many differences. This is one way of saying “it works” and “you can too,” to all of the curious eyes on the outside looking in. We defy hatred and its revolving cycle.
It would be misleading to leave you thinking that all we do is “group up.” Here is a typical week: On Monday, we split up, passing out flyers that we’ve created, collectively explaining about our Study and Struggle (SaS) group, what we bring to the table, and inviting others to ‘visit’ our group, and challenging them to vent, and to further the challenge by coming back to the group for more. Tuesdays we pass out educational books such as The Nation on No Map, Abolition. Feminism. Now., and Assata Taught Me. This opens the doors, piques their interest, and allows them to relate. Along with the educational books we put together and pass out “aid packages” with group money we’ve gathered collectively. These packages contain: socks, coffee, and various hygiene items. On random days, we wrap candy with quotes such as “I Have a Dream/MLK 1963,” “We will no longer contribute to our own oppression,” and “organize, organize, organize.” These open the eyes and raise questions of the ones that so often lower their heads and walk on by. This is to take the sadness from their hearts and replace it with happiness and purpose. Finally, at the end of the week, we come together and talk about all of this: people we’ve spoken to, what was said and experiences shared. I always make sure to ask them: “How did it make you feel?”
We are trained in these tough, violent prison environments not to show our feelings, that it is a show of weakness. In our group, we believe that showing feelings is a show of strength, self-security, and courage. You have to feel good about what you do. You have to believe.
Our group has faced adversity and violence from all sides (prisoners and guards), but we stand together, today and every day. Here we are. It starts with a mustard seed.
Thank you for allowing me to share this with you and thank you for taking the time to read our group’s story: a story of survival, a story of stress and struggle. May you all be strong, never quit, and as always, stay safe.
Kenneth
“We Have the Imagination for Mass Freedom” image credit: Molly Costello